“If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.”
“My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I’m not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.”
“You may have read that I went to M.I.T. In 1982 I filled out a Who’s Who survey with joking responses, and they never bothered to check the facts.”
“It takes somebody smart to play somebody dumb.”
“Billy Murray and I came to fisticuffs, but we never really ended up hitting each other. We tried, but Belushi got in the middle and we both ended up hitting John. And if anybody deserved to be slapped in the forehead it was John, for instigating it all.”
“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?”
“I guess I look so straight and normal, nobody expects me to pick my nose and fall.”
“Television doesn’t make stars. It’s the written media, the press, that makes stars.”
“Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it they reject themselves.”
“Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.”
“Once I got married and had kids, I moved away from romantic roles, because it seemed wrong to have my three-year-old wondering why Daddy was kissing someone else.”
“Marge is a terrible name for a mistress.”
“A good name for a mistress would be close to a man’s name so that nobody would know. Like…Conane.”
“You’re rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.”
